


the woods are lovely, dark and deep

by wishIwasbetter



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Emotional neglect, Family, Friendship, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Past Character Death, Suicide Attempt, Underage Drinking, Underage Sex, Underage Smoking
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-09-13
Updated: 2018-09-13
Packaged: 2019-07-11 17:30:58
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,361
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15977081
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wishIwasbetter/pseuds/wishIwasbetter
Summary: "Sitting at his usual spot in the library, Mark felt that that day was different. Something about the air, something about the way the old LED lights flickered. Maybe something about his sandwich. But yeah, something was wrong, and he reflected while making notes and sending glares at the boy's spot.The boy had dark circles under his eyes, baggy and opaque. For the first time since Mark could remember, the boy was awake. He looked like he either just woken up or didn’t get a blink of sleep the entire night. Mark wondered how someone that glowed like him could look so dry."orMark Lee began to spend a formidable amount of time in the library to study for his final year in high school. He couldn't just study, though, because of a boy he saw almost every day and that still had summer skin in the middle of autumn."(...)But I have promises to keepAnd miles to go before I sleepAnd miles to go before I sleep."





	the woods are lovely, dark and deep

**Author's Note:**

> Hi, how are you?  
> This is a fic I have been working for a few months now. It's been taking me a long time to write because: 1- English is not my first language; 2- the story is really heavy and I kinda use it to vent some stuff, so the writing is not actually consistent; 3- I wanted to post it only when it was finished. I changed my mind because I really wanted to know how other people felt about this thing, as it might motivate me to finish.  
> It's a story about two boys, but also about friendship and companionship and family and growing. I don't expect anyone to identify with any of the characters, since they are all parts of me, but I hope the story speaks to you, as I have been writing it as a way to remember me of some important lessons I've learned by myself and that other people taught me over the years.  
> At last, I hope you walk with me through the journey of these two and enjoy growing with me <3

The ticking of the pen was the only sound inside Mark's head. Probably in the entire library. At that time, he was probably the only other person there.  

Other person because, sleeping two tables far from him, was a boy he saw almost every day since he started to study at that library every day. Which had been July, and being that they were already approaching winter, was a long time.  

Mark read from a thick book about biology and wrote on his notebook. His pen clicked and his notes became bigger. Word after word he filled yet another page of his notebook and tried to memorize everything that was facing him on that page.  

The boy had tanned skin, even if the sun hadn't shown himself in almost a month. His hair fell over his closed eyes, a curtain of ink black, thick hair that had long lost the golden wicks of sunburn. He looked paler than he used to look. Thinner too.  

The table vibrated with a text from his older brother asking when he could pick him up. Mark answered with a simple "Whenever you can" and got a car and a man running emoji back. After putting his phone in his pocket, the rest of the choreography he did without even thinking: closing the notebook, zipping his case, throwing everything accordingly inside his backpack and swinging it over his shoulders. He could do it all with his eyes closed at this point. With the book in his arms, he directed himself to the exit.  

The tanned boy's clothes were always ragged, but Mark couldn't help but think they were really thin to the weather that night. When will he go home? His parents were coming for him? Will he go by bus? Should Mark even be wondering about it?  

He thought about waking the boy and offering a ride, but he didn't know where the boy lived. He also didn't know the color of his eyes. Would they be ink black too? Or would they be caramel like his skin? Why did he waste so much time thinking about that boy anyway?  

Taeyong was waiting Mark at the entrance. Mark ran into the old car with leather seats and a welcoming scent of family, even though it was smelling more like Taeyong's roses perfume. While his brother sped up to their place, he watched the old library's door to see if anyone would come out. And he may have hallucinated, but, as they turned around the corner, he could make the frame of a young boy coming down the stairs and sitting on the ground.  

 

On weekends, Mark doesn't rest – as he probably should do. He goes to the library early in the morning on Saturdays and comes back home at time to have lunch. It's never open on Sundays, so he uses this time to spend with his family. This Sunday afternoon, his friends came over to drink obnoxious amounts of energy drinks and see who's worse at Call of Duty. And to just have a lot of fun together, since all of them had been having little time to see each other outside school. Yukhei was sprawled across all the sofa (because of his "motherfucking long legs", as Yeri had delicately pointed out), over Jeno – Mark's younger brother – and Yeri.  

Sitting down on the floor and being destroyed by Yukhei in the video game was Jaemin. Not paying attention and playing Uno were Mark, Jungwoo and Chaeyoung. The world outside his window was raining heavily, making Mark feel relieved the heater was working well and that he had his best friends to warm him up.  

"Uno!" Jungwoo screamed, making Chaeyoung and Mark exchange looks. With two swings of wrists, both laid down 4+ cards and laughed loudly when Jungwoo threw himself back to be dramatic but ended up hitting Jaemin's remote control with his head.  Jaemin, with the distraction, officially lost, so Yukhei, Jeno and Yeri were laughing as well.  

"Ah, hyung, why did you do that? I was so close!" Jaemin screamed, throwing the controller away. Yukhei almost choked hearing that. "No, you weren't! You _really_ weren't!"  

"Shut the fuck up, Yukhei!" Jaemin said, launching himself onto Yukhei to wrestle with him. Everyone knew Jaemin was fated to lose, because Yukhei was not only tall, he had the physique of a lifetime basketball player, as he really was. Surprisingly, he held himself there pretty well, but since he had an advantage: the older boy couldn't stop laughing. Yeri soon entered the fun and hit the couch three times, counting loudly. "Three! Two! One! Jaemin wins!" She shouted, holding Jaemin's wrist high. The boy held up his two fists, making the face of someone who had just won the Olympics. Yukhei under him, as well as Jeno and Mark, had tears in their eyes.  

"Please... I... My stomach..." Mark tried to say, not being able to catch his breath.  

"Mark! Your... Y-your face..." Chaeyoung said, laughing even harder than before.  

Lying down on his floor, tears in his eyes and joy running through his veins, Mark thought he was really, really lucky. With people like that in his life, it didn’t even matter if he got into a good university or if he managed to find a good job, he had everything he could ask for. (I mean, he was thinking that now. In a few hours, when he got to bed, all the anxieties and fears would crawl back into him. Still, he felt only pure joy in that little amount of time.)

After a few minutes of catching back their breaths, the friends gathered all the change they had in their bags and ordered all the pizza they could buy, not thinking if they would be able to eat it all or not. (“Don’t fear, small friends, I’ve got you” – Yukhei about the future leftovers.)

And Mark sat there watching his friends playing and ignoring a common thought about a boy wearing clothes too thin for that weather.  

 

* * *

 

 

Sitting at his usual spot in the library, Mark felt that that day was different. Something about the air, something about the way the old LED lights flickered. Maybe something about his sandwich. But yeah, something was wrong, and he reflected while making notes and sending glares at the boy's spot.  

He boy had dark circles under his eyes, baggy and opaque. For the first time since Mark could remember, the boy was awake. He looked like he either just woken up or didn’t get a blink of sleep the entire night. Mark wondered how someone that glowed like him could look so dry.  

The boy suddenly stood up, swinging on his heels to turn to the exit. Before he could even register, Mark executed the dance he always dances: notebook, case, backpack and exited the building. This time, though, it was just like that day: different; faster moves, deeper steps, awkward swings, like a man sailing through a tempestuous sea.  

Because something felt strange and he knew the boy was having a hard time. As much as turning a blind eye was way easier, Mark didn’t want do walk the easiest path this time.

The boy walked out of the library wearing only a jean jacket and a flannel shirt underneath. It was snowing heavily, so Mark zipped up his coat and stuffed his hands deep into his pockets. The boy only kept walking, not even flinching at the wind. Mark didn't know where he was taking him, but he really, deeply wanted to keep going.  

_Listen to the wind blow, watch the sun rise..._

Over the wind that hit them, the boy was singing a song Mark knew was old but couldn't actually put a finger on it. The boy had a nice voice, high and a little raspy, just enough to make the rock song sound perfect to him. Over the time they walked, the boy’s lips became cold and he stumbled with the words, but never broke the melody.

_Damn the dark, damn the light..._

As it seems, their final destination was Seokchon Lake Park - quite far, but still very beautiful. He continued to sing and, to Mark's terror, took off his jacket and his flannel shirt. He was wearing a tank top and jeans and was not stopping, stepping one more time, one more time, one more time... 

"What are you doing?" Mark screamed, once the boy had his feet into the lake. He did not dare step further, fearing he would slip and fall.  

The boy turned to him, smiling, swinging. Mark knew that he was probably barely conscious: his lips were so purple they turned blue, his eyes were almost closed, he was shivering so much Mark almost couldn't distinguish his face at distance and when he spoke, the words came out of his mouth like his teeth were glued together, so muffled Mark took a second to understand what he said.

"I am dying."  

And he turned his back to Mark, who was way too shocked to move before the boy dove into the lake and sank deep.  

Mark opened his mouth and screamed loudly, but there was no one to listen – no one passing by, no tanned boy. Mark left his bag on the ground and ran to where the boy was. He was floating almost sideways, but his face was definitely under water. So, Mark knew what to do: he took off his coat, jumped into the lake and carried the boy out of the water.  

There was a page – no, probably a few pages – in his notebook about first-aid in many situations. If someone drowned, you should lay them sideways and massage their backs, so the water inside their lungs would come out. The boy spat a lot of water but was still unconscious. In all the pages, he never studied what to do when someone was hypothermic, so he brought the boy to his chest and covered him with his coat. As he tried to call an ambulance and Taeyong, his body was shaking with cold, fear and adrenaline. The body in his arms felt too stiff and too limp at the same time. Mark felt like fainting.   

It felt like ages before the ambulance arrived. The paramedics took the boy from Mark's arms and hurried inside the car, with Mark close behind. Sitting inside the car, Mark felt the vibration of his phone in his aching hands. It was obviously his brother and he could never thank him enough for making Mark feel so loved. 

"Where are you now?" Taeyong called his brother, sounding desperate.  

"I'm on my way to the hospital" he said. Mark felt a sting of guilt cut him in half. He didn't mean to make his brother this worried. He was no longer clenching his teeth, but his voice was barely a whisper. "Could you please come? I can't fill his files." 

"Obviously I'm going! Fucks' sake, Lee Minhyung, you are also going, of course I'll be there. Keep me updated, please, I might die of heart attack."  

But maybe if Mark was not watching the machine attached to his finger make fast beeps and the doctors making him breathe, he would devote more of his love and attention to his brother and have cared a little bit more about being called by his real name.  

"Hey, boy, are you listening?" One of the paramedics stopped in front of Mark and was touching his shoulder. Mark looked at the woman, blinking his eyes a little.  

"Sorry, I was not paying attention." 

She didn't look offended; her dark eyes kept the same glow and her eyebrows were stuck in the same frown. "Do you know how to get in contact with Lee Donghyuk's parents? Or guardians?"   

Mark slowly moved his head to the sides. "Who is Lee Donghyuk?"  

Her frown deepened. "The boy's name is Lee Donghyuk. You don't know him?"  

Mark's head was spinning around and he felt sick. He held onto the doctor and took a few deep breaths. She waited patiently but took his temperature with her free hand. "No, sorry. I just saw him jumping and ran to help." It was not a lie completely, so he felt content and didn’t explain further.  

She also seemed content, because her frown went back into its last version. "You are very brave, boy. What's your name?"  

"I'm Mar- Lee Minhyung, ma'am."  

"Lee Minhyung, is there any adult you could call to?"  

"I called my hyung, he is on his way."  

The doctor smiled and moved her attention to Lee Donghyuk, who was lying unawake, breathing softly, too softly to be good.  

 

When the ambulance stopped at the hospital, Lee Donghyuk was rushed to the ICU, while Mark was put on a wheelchair and taken to the first aids area. On the way, Taeyong found him and grabbed him inside his arms to the tightest hug Mark has ever been into. His brother had the face folded with concern and Mark felt guilty once again.  

"Are you hurt? How are you feeling?" He asked when he pulled away, holding Mark with his hands and looking at his face.  

"I'm okay, I guess..." Mark's voice was small and he felt weak against Taeyong's grip. "I'm just a little cold..." 

Taeyong felt his temperature with his hand. "You are really warm." He turned to the paramedic responsible for pushing Mark's chair. "Can I go to him after filling up the papers?" 

"Yes. You can ask a nurse and they will take you to his room."  

"That's a relief." Taeyong hugged Mark one more time and looked at his eyes. "We'll talk more later, okay?"  

Mark whispered a "okay" back and suddenly Taeyong was gone, turned into white corridors. He almost felt like his encounter with Taeyong was just his imagination, since he was having a hard time distinguishing what was real and what was going on around him. He didn't even know if his wheelchair was really fast or if the corridor was spinning around him. 

He was taken to a room with four beds, all empty, and was laid onto one on the outer corner of the room. The doctors from before became nurses, who politely but frantically waved around him taking care of everything. They took off his coat, put on him warm blankets and left his arm in a comfortable position after linking him to an IV drip.  

A nurse that looked a little older than Mark's mom was fleeting over him taking his temperature – or that's what Mark thought she was doing. As far as he knew, she could be drawing sheep all over his face. "Sweety, you have a bit of a fever" she spoke, sounding sweet and caring, "we will give you little medicine through your IV and you will feel sleepy. Don't resist and get yourself some sleep, this way you will be better way faster."  

"Th-thank you."  

"It's nothing, sweety. Now relax, your brother will be here soon. If you need anything, the bell next to your bed will call a nurse to assist you, okay?"  

Mark nodded and the nurse was gone, leaving him alone in the big, white room. His mind wavered and swam around uncoherent thoughts as he was trying to wait until Taeyong arrived. He probably failed miserably, because, when he least expected, he was waking up.  

 

It was bright and he felt weak, but a lot less than when he entered the ambulance. He blinked his eyes to get used to the luminosity and the noise his room was making. Where did that noise even come from? 

With some difficulty, he rolled his head around and found his brothers sitting by his right. Taeyong was asleep on an armchair but Jeno was awake and playing something on his DS. That something was making a lot of noise.  

"Do you mind... turning it down?"  

His voice was raspy and his mouth was dry. How long did he sleep?  

Jeno looked up immediately with his eyes wide open. "Oh my God, Mark! Are you awake?"  

"Y-yeah. Kinda" he answered. As he lifted his arm to scratch his eyes, he felt something slide down his skin. _Oh,_ he thought, _the IV. Forgot about that._   

Jeno left his game on his lap and poked Taeyong's belly. "Hyung! Wake up, he's awake!" 

Taeyong moved a little without opening his eyes. "Wha...?"  

"Wake up, for fuck's sake. Mark is awake!"  

Slowly, the older brother made sense of the words, because his eyes shot open and he got in his feet so fast Mark didn't even understand what was going on.  

"Minhyungie, are you okay? How are you feeling?"  

"’Minhyung’... oh my god. Yeah, I... I'm okay. Just a little tired."  

"Holy shit, how?!" Jeno exclaimed. He got back a slap on the shoulder by Taeyong. "Ouch! Why have you done it?" 

"Of course he's tired, genius, he had a fever of forty degrees!"  

At that, Mark woke up a little more. As he got back to his senses, he distinguished an unnatural feeling of cold, even with his body covered by a thick blanket. It was weird, though, because his parts uncovered were really cold, his parts covered were really hot.  

"The nurse just said I had a fever. I didn't know it was this serious..." 

"You are still feverish, but fairly well considering how you could've been."  

Jeno intercepted before Mark could answer. "You slept for twenty hours! I would be more worried if you still had a fever after all that." 

"What?!" 

Mark looked outside the window more attentively. The sun was going down, like it was not long before nighttime. Now Mark definitely felt dizzy and Taeyong noticed, hurrying to hold him.  

"Are you okay? Want me to call a nurse?"  

"N-no, it's okay, I'm fine. T-twenty hours?"  

He looked at Jeno, who seemed as worried as Taeyong now. "Yeah. It's 5pm now, so you were sleeping for around this time." 

"But don't mind it too much, you were really weak and the medications were strong, it was for the best." Taeyong completed and sat back down at the armchair.  

Mark lied in silence and his brothers allowed him this time. Piece by piece, the previous day came back to him as a reality. He felt his heart racing and he looked at Taeyong widening his eyes.  

"Where is Lee Donghyuk? How is he?"  

Taeyong's shoulders moved back as if suddenly that position to sit was no longer comfortable. He glanced at Jeno, who was already looking at him, but went back to Mark and he was his big, reliable brother again.  

"He's still unconscious. He had a cardiac arrest, luckily treated in time. Still, combined with the hypothermia, it damaged his body severely, so he's going to stay a few more days in ICU." Taeyong smiled and his voice came out as a cup of honey tea. "You really saved his life. If he had stayed even a minute longer, he would have died for sure."  

"But what happened?" Jeno asked, leaning on Mark's direction. "You haven't explained what actually was going on." 

Mark sighed and explained, detail for detail, even how he knew the boy. When he finished, a nurse brought him food: seaweed soup, cooked bean sprouts and water. He ate willingly, even though it tasted like water from the bathroom's sink.  

 

For the three next weeks, Mark did not see Lee Donghyuk. He was not allowed inside the ICU section and, when he went to visit the boy, he had apparently checked out of the hospital and Mark had no right to know who signed his papers.  

Every day he walked around the library, but Lee Donghyuk was not on the Fantasy section, no on the Law section, nor on the Foreign Literature section. Mark, then, did what he always does: he sat down and studied writing down on his notebook, then danced and walked to the exit waiting for Taeyong, because he had to sleep well to wake well to study well on the next day.  

But he did not forget Lee Donghyuk. The pale skin of his closed eyes and his blue lips haunted him through every corner of his waking hours and inside his dreams. Mark would spend the day putting all his energy into studying to forget how numb Lee Donghyuk was when he got him out of the lake, then wake in the middle of the night by Taeyong because, apparently, he was crying calling the other boy’s name. Mark remembered only a piece of his nightmares when he woke up, but they stuck to his eyelids the rest of the day: Lee Donghyuk, his eyes wide open and glossy, his mouth a pool of water and ice, getting more and more blue as Mark failed to save him.

So, when Mark actually saw Lee Donghyuk, alive, warm and well, he expected to feel more relieved. He expected that all his worries would go away.

He was wrong: in less then three seconds that Lee Donghyuk spotted him, he grabbed Mark by his collar and dragged him to the shelves, then he pressed Mark against a wall still gripped to his shirt.

"What are you?" Donghyuk had dark, dark eyes. They were dark from genetics, from lack of sleep and anger. It was all leaking from him, like the water in Mark’s nightmares.  

"What do you mean?"  

"What are you? What do you want with me?"  

His voice was raspy like ice and sharp like an arrow, ill, shooting straight to the middle of Mark's scalp. He looked like he could kill him.  

"I just wanted to help."  

Donghyuk pressed Mark a little harder against the wall. It did nothing to make him scared. If only, it made him angry – a lot angrier than Mark wanted to feel towards someone he worried for so much –, something ugly that made his chest feel tight.

"Did I look like I needed any help?" 

"It's not like it's a crime saving someone's life?"  

The boy laughed coldly, Mark almost thought it was a cough. "I'm sorry to tell you that but you did _not_ save me that day. So, it takes us to the first question: what are you? What do you want from me?"  

Mark was getting really tired of that conversation and that something ugly was growing into his thoughts. The last time he saw the boy, he was barely a corpse. Mark himself almost died to save him, how can he say something like that? With a grimace, he answered "Then why don't you go and try again? There's nothing stopping you."  

Donghyuk was looking up and down Mark's face, so Mark took the time and did the same. Lee Donghyuk was thinner than before, paler than before. He was strong, since he could hold Mark that way, but it was like his bones were empty. Also, he had a bruise on his cheek, something a few days old, but definitely there. 

Donghyuk laugh-coughed again and slid his arms back to his sides. "I might go." He turned and gave a step back. 

Before the boy could move any further, the ugly thing growing inside Mark vanished. He hurried and grabbed Donghyuk's arm, holding his sleeve with the knuckles of his fingers. "Please don't."

Donghyuk looked to the stranger's hand, then to his face. He whispered back, cutting Mark in half like the wind outside the building.  

"Mind your own business. Boy."  

He pulled his arm free and walked away. When Mark came out of the stupor, he was already gone.  

Mark danced, grabbed his bag and ran back home. 

 

Dancing inside Mark was doubt. Guilt. As he walked up the stairs to his apartment, he squeezed his collar as if it would make him breathe. It didn't.  

He loved home but it felt like the walls were trying to crush him, as if his house knew what he did and wanted to make him suffer more. It was almost like he was back inside that lake, holding a body that was too cold to be human.  

Jeno knocked on his door and opened. He was leaning against the door stop, arms crossed and a funny smile to his face. It was not the first time Mark was caught in a similar situation by his brother, so Jeno was probably thinking he was going crazy about college or something like this. For some reason, that made it harder to breathe for Mark.  

"Mark," he said, "you're gonna dig a hole on your floor. What's wrong?"  

The older brother's breath was short and quick. His head was getting lighter and lighter and he couldn't help it. Still, he wanted to lie to Jeno. He didn’t want to make Jeno worried. Anyone else but his little brother.

"Mark, what happened?" Jeno said, losing his smile and stepping inside his brother's room to touch his arm. 

But his little brother was not little anymore. He had grown up as much as Mark – in every sense of the word. 

Mark, then, found a loose spot on his brother's sweater and clutched his fist there. After all, they have always been friends, didn’t they? He could share this with him, couldn’t he?

"I said something bad. To the wrong person. I feel like I messed up pretty bad and I don't know how to fix it nor if I should fix it, because if I am wrong I'll just fuck up badlier – and that's not even a real word – but if I fucked up already it might be beyond-"  

"Mark." Jeno spoke again, protectively and harsh, looking deep inside the other's eyes. He held Mark with two hands, almost as if he was trying to keep him standing. (Which probably was true.) "Breathe. What happened?" 

"Donghyuk came to confront me over getting him out of the lake. I said he is free now to do whatever he wants and he told me he might just go and f... finish that. And I don't know what to do. If I go and he ain't doing shit, he'll be pissed, if I go and he is doing shit he'll be even more pissed, if I don't go and he is doing shit, I'll have let him... I'll have ignored someone in need and be a horrible person. And I don't know if he has a family or friends but I know there is no one out there for him, so I don't know what to do." 

Jeno didn't take a second to hesitate. "Then shut up and follow me, let's get going."  

"Where exactly?"  

"To see the city. Just don't let Taeyong know, please, I think he will chain the wheels if he knows it. And grab a coat, it's really cold out there." 

Mark watched his brother move to the corridor, dressing a coat and putting on his shoes. He couldn't understand what was happening nor copy his brother's moves.  

"Wh-what are you doing? Where are you taking me?"  

Jeno looked up to find Mark leaning against the wall, barefoot and lost. He grabbed the other boy's coat and a pair of shoes, leaving them at his feet while putting the coat over the other's shoulders.  

"We are going after your boy.” Jeno explained softly, helping Mark dress the coat and whispering so only the two of them can hear his words. “Even if he'll be pissed at us, we must always do our best to help other people, no matter who they are or what they are doing. There are people out there who don't, so we have to go another mile to compensate their lacking. We are humans, this is how we hold onto our humanity." 

Looking to his brother's face, Mark could still see the traces that he carried since he was a baby: his eyes closed the same way when he smiled, his brows arched the same way, the hair was the same deep brown it's always been, the same as his. But now he definitely saw traces of growth he probably forced himself to ignore: a sharp jawline, just like their older brother but a lot sharper than Mark's, that looked a lot more like their mother's side. Cheekbones, Adam's apple, broad shoulders. Standing in front of him in that moment, Jeno looked big, even bigger than Mark, because not only he looked like a man, his stance was full of confidence and he had a light in his eyes that said ‘I know what I'm doing, so you can trust me’.  

Mark leaned on and hugged his brother, who hugged him back without hesitating.  

"Thank you for this.” He and his brother never had problems telling each other how they feel. If one didn’t want to talk, the other would know immediately, but they have never held back to share their feelings with each other. Still, saying those words was for Mark like pulling out a thorn. “You know, I-I have never seen you as younger. Like, you’re not even a year younger than me, I think of you as a friend. Still… it’s weird to see that you grew up and that I can actually lean on you. Thank you for that. I love knowing that I have a brother that is my best friend and that has my back." 

Jeno laughed in the crook of his neck but hugged him tighter. "And I'll always see you as my favorite big brother, even if you are the one needing my help sometimes."  

They separated and stood looking at each other for a few seconds, letting their words sink into their bones. Jeno broke the silence and put them back into track. "Remember to breathe. We are going now."  

 

Jeno drove the two of them through all Seoul and a few other close cities. They drove by rich neighborhoods and the parks where homeless usually sleep at. They were around for long, long hours and no matter how many times they drove past the same streets and new streets, Lee Donghyuk was nowhere to be found. They returned home defeated and tired. Jeno hugged Mark again, holding tightly at his back.  

"He is okay, I know this. He probably is back to his home. We can still look for him tomorrow if you want to." 

"It's okay."  

"We did our best, you know this? We did everything we could."  

"I know." Mark hesitated, still not knowing what to do when his brother consoled him. "Thank you. Don't worry about me, I'll be fine."  

"Are you sure?"  

"Yes, I am." Mark lied. He pulled away from Jeno just enough to look at his face. He had worry written all over it and it made Mark feel guilty, but also loved. "I don't even know how to thank you enough for it. And I didn't know you could drive." 

That made Jeno smile a little and his precious moon-eyes appeared. "Just don't tell Taeyong about it."  

"I won't if you tell me how you learned it."  

Jeno laughed and let go of Mark, patting his shoulder. "I'll tell you tomorrow, now we have to sleep."  

Mark laughed with him and moved his feet to his room. "Good night, brother."  

"Good night, hyung."  

Arriving his room, Mark lied down on his bed and watched the sun dawning through his window before he had to get himself ready to school.  

 

Not his teacher, nor his duties of the day, made Mark pay attention to school. He was someone that liked reviewing, so he tried his best to remember every second of quest of the previous night and analyzed if he did not miss a shadow of Donghyuk or any trace at all. He did this all day, so much that Yukhei noticed.

“Mark, are you okay, man?” he asked during lunch.

Yukhei looked like a jock – and in some ways, he really was – but he sure was way more sensible than one would expect upon meeting him. He waited to ask when their other friends were busy fighting over an especially juicy piece of meat one of them got.

“Yeah, I’m fine.” Mark wished he could lie better. But no, he had the same problem his other two brothers had: he was transparent as glass.

Yukhei sent him a meaningful look but smiled in the end. “I know how it is to keep things to yourself to not burden others, but you have to know you _can_ lean on us. You know it, don’t you?”

“Yes, I know.”

It was true for Mark as the passing of time. The sun will set, the river will run, his friends will always be there when he needs them.

“Good, ‘cause I don’t have this much shoulder for no one to cry over.”

“Wong Yukhei, you have to choose only one victim at a time to hit on! This morning was Siyeon from 2-A and now Mark!” Chaeyoung said, almost sounding credibly exasperated.

Yeri’s eyes widened and she pointed to Yukhei while exclaiming. “So that was all that hugging yesterday? Am I one more of your victims?”

Yukhei tried to explain himself, but, over Jaemin’s, Jeno’s and his own laughter, he barely managed to do any talking.

Mark crossed eyes with his brother for a brief second. He looked worried. Mark hated it. The only person anyone should be worrying about was Donghyuk, who could possibly be dead as they fought over food. That thought made him lose his appetite, so he watched his friends bickering until it was time to go to class.

 

When classes were done, Mark usually calmly helped his classmates to clean the school, grabbed his things and walked a normal pace to the big library a few blocks from his school that he knew just so well. This time, though, he ran. Or tried to, because his legs were deadened by anxiety and cold and he couldn’t move them as well as he wished. In the end, he probably reached the building in the same time he would normally by walking and a lot more tired.

With the same weak feeling on his body, he ran around the building’s many rooms until he saw what made his heart beat normally again: Lee Donghyuk, lying down at a table and looking ragged as usual.

The feeling of not having a weight over his chest felt so new it almost hurt as much as having it. He clutched his collar as he ran to Donghyuk, just to make sure he was not hallucinating.

Turns out he was not. Lee Donghyuk was there, breathing and looking well. His clothes were a little cleaner than usual, as his hair looked combed and his eyes, dark as always. He heard Mark approaching, lifting his head and moving his eyes to watch the other boy.

“Oh my God, you are okay.” Mark exhaled, holding onto the table to stabilize himself. His ribs were hurting, as well as his arms and head. What he had thought was an imaginary pain had become something too real and an obstacle to breathe. “You’re okay, you’re okay… oh, God, I was so worried.”

“Why do you even care?”

The question came from Lee Donghyuk, who still had his face on his arms and his eyes on Mark. Mark looked at him and he saw no challenge in Donghyuk’s stance. Even if the question felt like an ending point, his expression was more of tiredness. Not in any sort of way he seemed interested in Mark’s actual intentions, but Mark felt all the things that ran through his mind boiling before his lips and he was talking before he could even think about that situation.

“Because I just fucking do!” Donghyuk’s shoulders tightened to his body. “I thought I had killed you! I thought you would be dead because of me!”

That made the other boy relax more, but he still looked tenser than when Mark had just arrived. “Well, even if I was dead it would be on me, not you, so don’t worry too much. You don’t even have the right to it, get off.”

Again, his words felt sharp, but there was no sting in them. He looked and sounded tired, but it still had an effect on Mark, that could almost taste his feelings boiling in the back of his mouth.

“I have!”

“And what is that?” asked Donghyuk, unfazed.

Mark, to that, gasped and gaged. He hadn’t thought about that. What gave him the right to worry?

Well, maybe _thinking_ was not the right thing to do in that moment. He fixed his shoulders back and held out his hand for the other boy, knowing full well Donghyuk would never shake it.

“Hello, my name is Mark Lee. I’m a senior high school student, I want to be a physicist and I couldn’t get a blink of sleep last night because I was up thinking about you, and I don’t care how it sounds ‘cause it’s the truth and I stand by it.”

No response. Donghyuk did not blink since Mark started talking, holding their eye contact.

Mark retracted his hand and completed “My Korean name is Lee Minhyung.”

That gave him an answer, finally.

“Why do you have a Korean name?

“I’m Korean, but my family moved to Canada before I was born. I use my Canadian name because I like it more, but I was registered in my Korean name, so technically I have a foreign name, not a Korean name.”

No response again. No blinking again.

“I mean, I have a Korean name, but it’s my actual name, so it doesn’t count, right?”

Donghyuk blinked. Mark was still deciding if it was good or not.

Mark decided that it was better not to decide. He sat his bag down on the table in front of Donghyuk and said “I’ll go fetch my book, but I’ll be back soon, I promise” and ran into the shelves. When he came back, Donghyuk was gone and Mark had a feeling that he wouldn’t find him again in that day.


End file.
